Dear Frasier
by Ophelia0123
Summary: Frasier is wrongfully imprisoned for theft. No one wants to hear that, but it's vital for the story. This is the collection of letters that Frasier recieves over the year he spends in prison. Twelve letters, twelve people. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Dear Frasier...

Chapter One

Dear Brother,

I'm outraged by this tragic case of wrongful imprisonment. I understand that you would not want to see visitors, as you have requested, for prison can do strange things to a once sane man. Therefore, it's quite right that you do not wish for us to see you in this current state. However, you cannot stop us writing to you and telling you our news. We've arranged a rota of who shall write and when. Just for the record, I was not in charge of _who _wrote to you. I believe that Dad and Roz were involved. I'm not sure but I think they were asking the waiter in Nervosa if he wanted to send you a letter. I'll stay out of it. So, I don't know who is writing. Although, I do know that Daphne shall be your next correspondent. Ah, speaking of Daphne, I decided that it was time to move forward in our relationship. So; I proposed.

I went to Harley and Jenson for the ring and it took a while to decide. Luckily, Daphne and I are the same ring size, so I didn't have any problems there. There were several that I liked. One had opals, but you know what they say about opals. I'm not one to be superstitious but I decided that Daphne wouldn't like it if she believed that opals were unlucky, which I later found out she does. The second was silver with a centre diamond and two smaller diamonds either side. I was about to buy this ring when another caught my eye: A gold handcrafted ring with one centre diamond and six much smaller diamonds either side. Under the diamond is a small heart embedded into the gold of the ring and delicate swirl type pattern next to the heart. The main diamond has a slight hint of turquoise in it and there is not one part of the outer ring that does not have a glorious pattern on it. I had the ring ready; the next thing to do was figure out how I was to propose.

It was a beautiful evening; the stars were out and lit the sky fabulously, as if guiding us to that new restaurant in town, which, if you ask me, does not deserve half the stars it received. The beef was chewy and the vegetables were undercooked. As for the dessert, it was entirely unpalatable. However, Daphne, being the gracious lady she is, ate everything. Then we went back to the Montana and drank champagne. Dad told me that I should have put the ring in her glass, but you know how I am with that kind of choking hazard. So, I simply got on one knee and asked her. I appeared to take her completely by surprise and she took a while to answer as she was so shocked.

I was overjoyed when she said yes! We are now planning the wedding, but we want you to be there, so we will wait. We plan to hold the reception at the Sheraton Bellevue Hotel. We were thinking of white roses for the centre-pieces and maybe serving salmon. Daphne has considered holding the service in England but we decided that it was unfair to make Dad travel. She has already planned the dress with Roz, who will be the maid of honour. I believe that Dad is giving Daphne away, as I don't think her father will be coming out here. I hope that you, once you are free, will consider being my best man. For you, brother, are the only man I would ever consider for the job.

Dad is ecstatic, of course. He's also excited about having the apartment to himself; I'll be checking in regularly. You know, to make sure that he doesn't irritate the neighbours too much or burn the place down.

It's odd without you here, I'll miss you.

Your brother, Niles Crane.

A/N - Hey, hope to know what you think! Please tell me if you have ANY ideas! Please review, reviews make me happy! :D


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Frasier...

Chapter Two

Dear Dr. Crane,

I'm so sorry about what's happened to you. It's really awful and unfair. I know that I can't say much right now that will help, but know that everyone here sends their love. I guess that Niles told you about his proposal. It really was wonderful, I've never been happier in my life.

Now, I have a small confession. Niles and I had agreed not to marry until you get out of jail, but one night we just impulsively decided to elope. I hope you're not too mad. We travelled to Rio and had a very short service. We were thinking of you, if that helps, and wishing that you could have been there. We just couldn't wait any longer to get married. I'm sorry. We are now wonderfully happy together. Mr. Crane says that I should call him Dad, but I don't think I can do that. To me you'll always be Dr. Crane and Mr. Crane, even if we are related.

I now have to tell you something else. I haven't told anyone else except Niles. Not even Roz, and especially not my mother! We wanted you to be first to know. A couple of days ago I found out that I was pregnant. Dr. Crane, I'm really quite scared! Niles and I had always planned to have children, but not yet. Niles is overjoyed, of course, but I'm not sure if we're ready. I went for a scan and it's perfectly healthy, which is great. Niles and I decided to find out the sex, after a long debate, and it's a girl. We were thinking of names and we're sorry that you're not here to give us your ideas. We've had a lot of ideas. We've thought of Sarah, Katherine, Laura, Lily, Lauren and God knows how many more. Mr. Crane wants to her to be called Rose. I quite like that idea. Niles wants her to be called Abilene. I like that less. I think I'd like to call her Abigail Rose Crane. I hope you like it. It will be great to be a mum. Wow, I'll be a mummy! I'll also have my own mother as an example which will be good, sort of a what-not-to-do guide. Maybe it's not too soon. I hope you'll be here so that you can hold her and be the best uncle she'll have, even though there's a lot of competition.

I'm a bit worried about your father. He seems to be taking a lot of women back to your apartment now that he's got the place to himself. He's doing well in his physical therapy and I think he really misses you, even though he's denying it. Now, don't get too worried when I tell you this, but Mr. Crane has been looking at other dogs for sale. I wouldn't think about it too much, it's probably just a phase. He wouldn't want any other dog but Eddie, I don't think. Anyway, I'm sure he'll tell you how he is in his letter.

Roz misses you a lot. KACL radio isn't the same without Dr. Frasier Crane on the airlines. They've hired a temporary radio physiatrist, but she's not the same. She's called Dr. Louisa O'Brien. Her views are slightly different to yours. You're kinder.

I'm sure that the time will fly and that you'll be back here very soon. My brothers don't seem to think that prison is that bad, at least that's what they told me.

Love, Daphne.

A/N. Hope to hear what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Frasier...

Chapter Three

Hey Son,

I never thought that one of my kids would be the one getting locked up. It's terrible. I hope you're doing okay in there, it can get pretty tough, I know. I hope that they catch the jerk who really tried to steal that BMW - kind of ironic, huh? Just because you were at the scene of the crime with no alibi; although I bet it didn't help when you entered the car after seeing it. I don't care if you thought you saw an antique vase that you thought had been lost years ago, you shouldn't have done it.

Anyway, everybody here is doing fine, no problems, no worries; just you. Daphne's starting to show, very slightly, I can hardly believe that I get to be a granddad again. Can you believe that Niles went from having a stupid crush on Daphne to being the father of her almost child? I love the name they chose, too; Abigail Rose. It's pretty.

Eddie's been doing fine. Although, I did think that he was starting to seem lonely. He was whining a lot and he was even starting to scratch the furniture! So really, it's for the good of the apartment that I did what I did. So, what I did was I went to a few pet shops around town and then saw a sign that said: Female Jack Russell Terrier for sale. So, now don't get too mad, I bought her. I know what you'll say, but she's really nice and Eddie loves her! Actually, I think there might even be a bit of a doggy romance going on! She's called Pepper. I think I'll call her Pep for short; cute, huh? She's well trained too; she doesn't attack the furniture, too much. You didn't really like that chair in your room, did you?

While you've been away I've met someone too. I actually met _two _people. They're both real nice. One's called Julie and the other one's called Elizabeth. They're kind of different than each other though. Julie works at a pub I go to. She's divorced with two daughters and a son. I've met them, they're nice. Although I don't think you'd get on with them. Elizabeth is nice, too. She's a bit richer than Julie - not that that matters - and classier. She lives in a big house, a few miles from here. I know who you'd prefer, but I'm telling you, once you really get to know Elizabeth and she starts relaxing around you she's not nearly half as classy.

So, I'm just going to keep dating both of them until one of them wants to go exclusive, which I think could actually be pretty soon. Julie's not one to wait around for long.

Okay, so, I'll see you soon. I think the rota's changed because someone said they really had to tell you something. Anyway, good luck. And who knows, you could come out of this a better man than before.

Dad.

A/N - I'm not from America so I don't know how long you would really get for attempting to steal a BMW. But in the story it's a year, lol, thanks. Oh, and please review! :D


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Frasier…

Chapter Four

Greetings Frasier,

Well, it appears you have left us for a galaxy far, far away. Or, as some may call it, prison. I have to say, I didn't think you flew your space-ship on that side of the asteroid-belt.

Anyway, that's not the reason that I decided to write. For you see, I have started a relationship with the beautiful queen of the universe herself: Roz.

It all started a month ago when she came into work crying. Naturally, I helped her by giving her my handkerchief and asking what was wrong. She told me that she'd fallen out with some boyfriend of hers, so I offered her a shoulder to cry on. So she cried. And cried and cried and cried. Then she said how kind I was and she looked into my eyes. Then she kissed me. And kissed me and kissed me and kissed me. The next thing I knew we were back at my apartment - luckily my mother was out - and went off to the bedroom. It was magical. I felt like we were Captain Kirk and Uhura. It went on all night. However, when I woke up I found my love missing. I saw her at the station but she didn't seem to hear when I shouted to her, she just turned the corner and then she seemed to disappear. Still, we have conversed everyday and I'm sure that it will be romance that will last for years to come.

One thing that I can not explain is Bulldog punching me two weeks ago. He seemed very angry. Now he has been suspended from KACL. Since then, Roz' attitude has been slightly chilly towards me, but I still keep up our lively conversations as well as I can. I've tried to persuade her to go to dinner with me a few times, maybe even to a _Star Trek_ convention, but she always has other plans.

The new radio psychiatrist - Dr. Louisa O'Brien - seems to have taken quite a shine to Kenny. Despite the constant flirting and occasional trip to the supply closet, I know that there's nothing going on; he's married. Dr. Lou seems quite nice. Well, all the men like her anyway. Except Bulldog, which seems rather suspicious to me.

Well, I must leave you now. Maybe I'll call Roz and see if she's available.

Live long and prosper,

Noel

A/N - I hope all of the Star Trek and space references are right. I don't really know anything about it, but I tried to research it, lol. Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Frasier...

Chapter Five

FRASIER!!!!!

Do not listen to ANYTHING that Noel tells you. I wanted to write first, but I was too late. Stupid Niles and his rota. Okay, I admit, we slept together (ewwwwwwwwwww) but I was really, really drunk. And really, really upset. And I was crying, a lot. You know how I am when I get sad like that, I'll take comfort with anyone. I'd had a fall-out with my current… well, boyfriend, I guess. But he's much more than just that, really. Anyway, I'd been drinking and crying, and then I saw that it was time for work with the new "_Dr. Lou"_, so I went down there and just sat in my booth, crying miserably. Then Noel came in and asked if he could "help me". Hah, help me, my ass. Anyway, I didn't think at the time, and so I told him about it, and then somehow we ended up making out (ewwwwwwwwwww). Dr. Lou was all ready to do her show, but Noel said something about me not being fit to work. Anyway, then he took me back to his house - if you could even call it that. I think that my brain must have blanked the rest out, because I don't remember much. Except the fact that we, you know (ewwwwwwwwww).

The next day I woke up with the hangover from hell and realised that I was naked in Noel's bed (ewwwwwww). So, I left him sleeping and got dressed and got out of there as fast as possible. But I kind of got held up by Noel's MOTHER in the hallway. She looked at me like I was a ghost and just kept staring and clutching her rosary beads. I just said hey and ran for the door. As soon as I got out I heard her yell, "Noel!"

Anyway, now he keeps talking to me and asking me out as if I'm single or something. Let me tell you, when Bulldog heard about mine and Noel's "special night" (Noel's words, NOT MINE) he went and whacked him one! I have to say, I think it was really hot. He just punched him and then came and took me in his arms. Oh, I haven't quite explained about Bulldog, have I. Well, here goes.

A few months ago Bulldog kind of told me that he loved me. I know what you'll say, it's just a trick to get me in the sack, but we've been going out ever since, and I think I love him too. Seriously, I've never felt this way before. I mean, sure, I think I've loved guys before, but I've never been _in love _with anyone the way I am now. I know what you'll be thinking, Bulldog is not a man of substance, but he's changed. You remember that time he fell in love years ago, I think it's like that again. But this time it's reciprocal. I'm thinking we may even start living together soon.

You may have heard from other letters that there is a new radio psychologist in town. I'm telling you, she is a complete BITCH!!! She's having an affair with Kenny, who is still married and his wife has no idea. Her advice sucks. She's telling everyone to "date both of them, they'll never find out" and "who cares if you're pregnant with another man? Just tell your husband it's his." Please, COME BACK!!!!!!

Miss you, Roz

A/N: This was SO much fun to write!!! Roz is such a great character. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Frasier...

Chapter Six

Well Frasier,

It appears that your Freudian methods are rather useless to you now. I suppose that it's to be expected really. I remember when we were married, you were always completely useless at getting out of speeding tickets. Even when we were driving to the hospital when I was giving birth to Frederick, you couldn't escape the ticket.

Anyway, you cannot imagine my extreme surprise when your brother called me up and told me that you'd been arrested for theft of a BMW. He told me that he'd organised for letters to be sent to you from a different person each month. He then told me some news that shocked me so much that it caused me to sit down; _he_ wanted me to include _me_ in his little plans.

So, I've been told to tell you my latest news. Firstly, Frederick is fine. He told me to tell you, "hey". In his last school report he was receiving all As, so you should be very proud. We have a wonderful son. Why, only last week he performed a perfect miniature space quest in his junior NASA club.

As for _my_ news, well, I am pleased to tell you that I finally completed the book that I was working on. I then sent it away to a few publishers and, to my disbelief, I soon received a reply from a top publisher practically begging me to let them publish my book. It's now available to buy from all good retailers. It's called _Ten Lucky Rabbits_. It's a children's book about ten rabbits who get lucky, but one rabbit is very, very mean, so he gets nothing. I know it's not the psychological novel that you would expect of me, but it's still worth a read, if I do say so myself. Already it's highly popular. I like to think that it will help with the mental growth of young children.

I am now in a relationship with a man called Sanju Impak. He's Indian and his English isn't always great, but we have a wonderful time together. He's a computer billionaire who owns a beach house in Florida. Frederick loves him; mainly because Sanju can show him how to get into the really good websites for free, but still, it's good to know that they get along. We have been going out for six months now and are currently living together. Actually, I think he may even propose soon.

But frankly, I'm not sure if I really want to marry him. I love him, of course I do, but I still think that there's someone else who I love completely with all my heart. Frasier, I think it's you. I know that this is not the sort of thing I should put in a letter, especially _this_ letter, but I think about you all of the time and I think I still love you. You're the only man I've ever truly loved, and friends are always the best lovers.

I know what you'll say, it's just a fear of commitment that's making me make an excuse so I don't have to be with Sanju. Naturally, it would be you who I would fall in love with, you're the closest man-friend I have. Well, I suppose that could be the case. Now that I think about it, I really do love Sanju and could see myself committing to him. Now I think back to the dark years of our marriage, it wasn't that great.

I have to thank you Frasier. Even without you being here you have probably saved my relationship. Just by writing this letter to you and considering what your thoughts would be, you have helped. I suppose your Freudian methods are always useful to you.

Thank you,

Lilith

A/N. Lol, this was almost Lilith/Frasier. But then I decided against it. It was actually pretty hard to write as Lilith, but it was still fun! Thanks for reading. Comments please. Also, I'd love to hear if you have any ideas! :D


	7. Chapter 7

This chapter is dedicated to acelili, my very dear friend and FFB (fan-fiction buddy). I really hope she gets her laptop back soon so that she can write more. ;-) enjoy!

Dear Frasier

Chapter Seven

Frasier, Darling!

My, my, we have so much to catch up on, don't you think? It was not so long ago when I got a little phone call from your dear brother. Miles, was it? Anyway, he phoned me and told me that you'd been arrested for a few suspicious shenanigans, and, heavens, was I shocked to the core. Yes, indeed I was. I could hardly believe that my favourite client was behind anything like that. I knew that you were innocent straight away, of course. No doubt about it. But it did leave me wondering, how am I going to cope without the best radio psychiatrist?

First things first, I am soon to become a grandmother! Oh, yes, I know, I'm much too young. Still, we can't help these little mishaps, can we. I don't agree with it, of course, my daughter is far too young to be a mother - not to mention unmarried. Last I heard, the father had run off with some girl from Mexico. He wants nothing to do with the child. I suggested killing the damn thing, but she's not having any of it. So, a grandma I be. It's due sometime next year.

On a brighter note, I have new client, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised! His name is Tom Hanks, maybe you've heard of him? Yes, believe it darling. I was out shopping the other day, when I saw him in the street, clearly crying out for an agent as fabulous as I. It appears that his new movie - Sleepless in Seattle - has inspired him to visit! Anyway, we got to talking and it turned out that he was looking for a new agent - enter Bebe. I told him of other people that I represent - if anyone asks, I work with Michael Caine and Goldie Hawn. He seemed very impressed and soon it was a done deal. I'll tell him that Frasier Crane's a big fan and maybe you'll get an autograph! Well, won't that be a nice post-prison gift! We'll have to see about getting a card, as well. If all goes to plan, he should be starring in around ten of what are apparently going to be some of the most popular films in the coming year. Bebe doesn't do things by halves, darling.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but I was in prison once. It was a dark time. Just because I had cannabis on me they saw me as some kind of drug mule. It could have been planted on me by any one of those Chinese exchange students. It wasn't very fun when they kept taking photos of me getting arrested, either. They let me go soon enough. Anyway, that's all in the past.

What we should really be talking about it your future! If you're interested, I can get you a job on _Doctors Gone Bad._ It's a new programme, but hopefully I can get them to see you as a real doctor. We should also be able to get you several interviews at different stations. I'll have to try and find another position for Dr. Lou, of course. She is very popular, but I should be able to get you your old job back. I think…

Anyway, I'll be seeing you soon, no doubt. You only have, what, five months left? Don't worry, Bebe will look after once you get back into the real world.

Ciao, Bebe.

A/N - I love Bebe, she's my second favourite not-main-character (Lilith is my favourite) so it was really fun to write as her. I hope you liked it! Review, please!!!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N - Sorry!!! I've taken absolutely ages to update!! I'm really, really sorry, but I've been writing loads of other stuff, and I've just never really found the time. I really hope you enjoy it and decide to review. J

Chapter Eight

Frasier!

It's wonderful to speak to you. I can't tell you how ghastly this new woman is. _Dr._ Nora. _Please!_ I hope you're not finding the dark, dread of prison too unbearable.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but I was in prison once. It was another time back then. I'd been involved in a nasty incident involving some big men, dark alleys, and a lot of heroin. I pleaded non-guilty, of course, but they still sent me down. Five long years of my life that I shall never see again. However, it wasn't all bad. It was there that I met Hank, the person who cleans my car. Don't worry - I always remove all valuables when he takes it into his care. Anyway, that taught me to always stay on the right side of the law - and to never compliment a man's tank top.

After my years there, I found myself working on the docks in New York City. It was there that I met my wife, Deb. She was wringing out some dirty rags, and I just couldn't avert my eyes! She soon caught me staring and gave me a piece of her mind - you don't want to get on the wrong side of my Deb, believe me - but it was soon marital heaven. Living in New York showed me that there was more to life than what I had. So, I consulted a map, chose the first place I saw, and Deb and I ran away in the night. Next morning, we were waking up to the sights and sounds of Seattle.

Anyway, enough with the past. I suppose I should tell you about my little 'accident'. I decided to meet up with a few of my old army chums about a week or so ago. We met just outside of town, and a few of them thought it would be funny to play with guns. Honestly, you would have thought that the army had taught them _something_. Anyway, next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with blood oozing out of my leg. And would you believe, when I looked up, the gang had all disappeared! Thank God for mobile telephones, eh! Don't worry, the kind ambulance folk soon patched me up and set me right. I'm still walking with a crutch, but the doctor says that I should make a full recovery. Eventually.

Anyway, I must say toodle-pip and wish you a soon release. I hope to see you shortly. I would love to have a show with you when you get out. I've already discussed it with Kenny. It will be all about life after prison. Should be jolly good fun, I think.

Anyway, leaving you with that thought, bye!

Gil.

A/N - Hope you liked it. It was fun writing as Gil, and I hope you enjoyed reading it! I'm sorry if my chapters are a bit short, but it's hard when it's a letter. Thanks!


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Frasier

Chapter Nine

_A/N: Hiya. I'm sorry that I'm soooooo slow at updating, but I'm always writing this other story (not for fan-fic) and I never seem to get around to writing this one! Also, sorry if the chapters are really short. They're starting to become notes instead of letters. I'll try to make them a bit longer. Hope you enjoy!_

Hey Doc,

Okay, let's cut to the chase. You're in prison, I'm sorry, that sucks, I know. Now, about me.

Right, well you know about me and Roz, I guess; and I gotta tell you, I love her, man. It's like, when I'm with her, I'm happy; and when I'm not, well, I'm not. So, I just wanted to tell you, I asked her the question. That's right, I proposed! I got a ring and everything. But, man, I had no idea how to do it!

I asked Gil - a load of help he was - and he said that I should book a ten day cruise, buy one thousand red roses, and have candles everywhere. I wanna propose, not go bankrupt! I told Gil where to stick it and he got a little mad. He ended up walking in on my new show - oh yeah, forgot to tell you, Kenny gave me a new show to replace a few of yours; seems this new lady's unpopular - and announcing that I have tiny…well. He made bad remarks about my little friend, let's leave it at that.

So then I asked Kenny, who said that marriage was destined to go bad from the moment you say 'I do'. He said to ditch her for a younger model and make sure that I have fun while I still can. He should be coming out of hospital as soon as the bruises heal up.

Then I asked your brother - he and his wife came in to see Roz. He said to decorate my apartment with all the things that that remind me of her, and then light candles and put on music and tell her why I love her and want to be her for the rest of my life. I figured that that idea had potential.

Okay, so I used that idea. The things that remind me of her were: a can from the first beer we shared, the shampoo she uses, and her favourite flowers - dandelions.

Right, so I set to work hanging cans all over the apartment - I lost the specific can, so I just used the same brand of beer. They all hung from little strings and reminded me of rockets I made as a kid. Then I poured bottles of her shampoo into bowls. Well, I was going to use bowls, but I couldn't find any, so I used saucepans. It's not the same, I know, but I think the effect worked just as well. Then I sprinkled dandelions everywhere - and I mean everywhere. On the bed, the sofa, and all over the floor. Then I went to get the ring, but I couldn't find it at first. I ran round the halls yelling, "This sucks! This is total B.S.! This…" And then I found it. In my pocket all along - weird, huh?

So I sat and waited 'til Roz came home. She walked in, took one look at the apartment and started yelling at me! Sheesh, you try to do a nice thing! So I told her that I was trying to be romantic by getting her favourite flowers, dandelions. Then she tells me that I got it wrong and that her favourites are daffodils! Does she really expect me to get it right every time? So I told her about the shampoo, but she just got mad that I'd used it all and that I was gonna have to clean all the pans! Then she saw the beer and yelled at me for drinking! Then I told her I'd poured most of it down the drain - yeah, right - and she just got mad for me wasting it! I just can't do anything right, can I?

Then I got real mad and shouted at her that I was trying to do a nice thing and propose to her. Then she went quiet and looked sort of shocked. I showed her the ring and her eyes went all watery, and she said I was the best boyfriend - fiancé! - a girl could ever have, then she said yes! Man, am I confused.

Still, got some good news for you, buddy! You'll be out in time for the wedding! We're having it in my Uncle's barn. We'll put lights up, but I'm not sure what we'll do about the smell… Aren't you lucky!

Hang in there,

Bulldog


	10. Chapter 10

**Dear Frasier**

**Chapter Ten**

_**A/N: Okay, I know it's been way too long since I updated this, but I've had a lot of school work, 'cause I've started GCSE year. I'm really gonna try to keep up with things now, and PLEASE PM me until I post if I take this long again!!!**_

Hey there, Doc,

Well, it's wintertime. The saddest time to be alone. All the leaves have fallen and the clouds are settling in. So, how're you doing?

Me? Well, my wife left me because I was seeing another women, and then _she_ left me as well. But I'm not too bad.

You know, I feel as though I've been on a spiritual journey. You know what the enlightenment is at the end? Women. You can't trust women. I've been spending a lot more time round at Gil's. It's strange, I haven't met his wife yet. The food's great, though.

As you may have heard, I was getting a tad more friendly with Dr. Lou. I really thought she was the one. Shucks, I still loved my wife! But it just wasn't fun anymore! We had a few laughs, got into a little trouble at the top of the Space Needle, but she wasn't putting enough coal into the fire, if you know what I'm saying! Then there was Doctor Lou! And she was young, pretty, blonde and she liked me! What was I gonna do, say no? Bah, like I could resist.

At first it was just a few flirty moments in the office, then an invite to go drink tequila at her house, and we both know what happens when I get tequila in me! I become purely irresistible to the female sex. And, boy, was she something! I could go into detail, but I don't want the person checking this letter for coded messages on how to escape prison to know that much about me. Maybe when you're out we could catch up some more?

Anyway, after that there was no stopping us. Except if my wife got suspicious, then we had to cool it down a little. I guess I should have seen it coming. I thought that Lou was the girl I'd be with for the rest of my life, and I just ignored the signs saying, 'No Kenny, she's not gonna be around forever.'

Nearer the end, she mentioned wanting to settle down. She wanted commitment, Doc! I could have left my wife there and then and been happy with Lou! But no. I just had to have the thrill, the excitement, of being a God to two women at the same time. How could I have been so blind?

Lou's gone now. I barely even see her at work. She doesn't even look me in the eye when I'm shaking the vending machine and she's chatting up the Australian who comes in to fix the copy-machine. We used to have such fun.

Now I hang baubles upon the tree with a darker mind set, something even the bright colours of fairy lights cannot penetrate. Well, I suppose I'm better off than you. Do you even have a tree? I hope they're treatin' you right in there. Maybe you'll even get a Christmas dinner?

I know your family are missing you. Your brother and his new wife say hello. She's getting pretty big now! I mean, she's gigantic! I don't envy that birth, I tell ya! They wish you a Merry Christmas. You're present will be waiting for you when you get out. Your Dad misses you too. He's popped round the station a few times, just to see how we're holding up without you. He doesn't show it, but he's breaking down inside. Although, it seems he's got a new woman to keep him on his toes. I've gotta confess, she scares me a little. You might know her. But I'll let that be a surprise.

Hold in there,

Kenny.

_**A/N: I hope you like it and it was worth the wait. Hopefully it's not too depressing. Just try and treat it as one of those times where you can laugh at another's misery! Hahaha! *a tumbleweed goes by* Anyway, please review it!! Tell me what you want out of the last few chapters. I've got a loose plan, but nothing's set in stone. Also, who do you think Martin's mystery woman is? So, press the little button down there, and see the wonders that come to those who review!! Thank you!**_


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